Trust issues
by Candice Kelsey
Image by Polina Tankilevitch for Pexels
TW: Body shaming
6.
How when you were six and your family made you watch Jaws but covered your eyes in the theatre and later when you were convinced there were sharks on your bedroom floor you refused to get out of bed until one brother assured you it was safe and the other brother hid under your bed and grabbed your ankles.
7.
How when you were seven and came home from school to the news your dog had been put down and you wondered when it could have happened that Pinto became a cold body and you were convinced it was when Erik F— dared you to kiss him on the playground and then slipped his hand up your Olivia Newton John sweatshirt when you moved closer you are sure that was when the needle entered your dog’s vein and she went numb but you’ll never really know.
8.
How when you were eight and you found out your mom only went to bible study because she had a crush on Father G— and how she told you she dreamed about kissing him and that church never looked the same to you.
9.
How when you were nine and Santa brought your brother a telescope and you were looking forward to learning the stars finally like Kristen C— in Mrs. Brothers’ class who bragged about the little bear and the big dipper but you never once looked through his telescope since he kept it trained on the bedroom window of Debbie—, the pretty girl across the street.
9 1/2.
How when you were nine and a half and your brothers asked you to play darts with them in the basement and you felt honored to be included so you ended your game of Clue and sent Nina home early hoping she would hurry up and leave just to find out they wanted you to recover the darts and when you protested they convinced you to pull the darts from the board one last time and while your back was to them they took their secret stash and pelted you how the cold pinch of metal stuck and you ran upstairs to see yourself in the mirror a human target.
11.
How when you were eleven you would hide at the bottom of the linen closet in the guest bathroom that no one ever used.
12.
How when you were twelve you got your period and your mom was too uncomfortable to talk about tampons so Kim T— took you into the civic center pool restroom and showed you how to insert one after drawing a diagram of your vagina on a soft serve ice cream napkin and you felt empowered until your mom found a note from Kim that said she thought she might be pregnant and your mom forbade you to ever see her again.
13.
How when you were thirteen your mom made you go into the drug store to buy diet pills while she waited in the car and you thought they were for her but as she drove down Montgomery Road she explained how you would use them and how excited she was to see you get your weight under control since clearly you lacked the willpower she had.
14.
How when you were fourteen your brothers left for college and never called or came home.
15.
How when you were fifteen your mom picked out an older boy for you to date because he was a football star and reminded her of her own high school boyfriend she wished she had married and how she made you be a cheerleader because that was what she was and that wouldn’t it be perfect if you dated Mark P— and how he bought you beer and undid your jeans in the upstairs bedroom at his friend’s party and how you couldn’t tell your mom because she wanted to drive you by his house the next day to leave a cute flirty note on his car.
16.
How when you were sixteen you fell for Kyle— because he was a wannabe hippy too and liked The Beatles and Greenpeace and flowers and was nothing like Mark P— and how when you visited your brothers at their Ivy League college you used your own money from your job at Subway to buy Kyle a hat but your mom made you return it because that loser would never be allowed to wear a hat with her sons’ college logo.
17.
How when you were seventeen your mom drank too much at her sister’s anniversary party and how at the hotel she woke you and your father up at 3am by screaming she wanted to die and searching for something sharp to cut her wrists and then how you drove seventeen hours home to Ohio the next day and no one talked about it again.
17 1/2.
How when you were seventeen and a half you went to Bowling Green State University and your mom refused to add it to the back of the car next to your brothers’ college bumper sticker.
18.
How when you were eighteen you took a semester off to attend an outpatient eating disorders clinic and moved home to get well and how you got a part time job waiting tables at Applebee’s where your mom brought her boss and co-workers in at the end of your shift to say hi and how your boss allowed you to sit and eat with them and how when she got home that night she told you her boss couldn’t believe how much you ate and that it’s a good thing you exercise.
52.
How when you were fifty-two and living three thousand miles away from your family, another therapist asked why you had trouble trusting—so you made a list this time.
Candice Kelsey (she/her) is a poet, educator, and activist in Georgia. Her work appears in Passengers Journal, Variant Literature, and The Laurel Review among others. A finalist for a Best Microfiction 2023, she is the author of two collections with three forthcoming from Pine Row Press, Drunk Monkeys, and Fauxmoir.
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