This Valentine’s Day, choose compassion over materialism
by Amelia Underwood-King
Photo by Polina Tankilevitch from Pexels
It’s a day many of us openly despise, yet feel cheated if we do not get the chance to celebrate. To be in a relationship on 14th February is, at the very least, to buy a supermarket ‘dine in for 2’ meal and exchange more heartfelt vows of adoration than normal. To be single is to be presented with the seemingly dichotomous choice of either isolated seething or a night on the town flaunting our independence. We may hate it. We may eschew the commercialism, the hollowing-out of meaningful emotion. But that doesn’t stop the shops filling with heart-shaped tat and restaurants decorating with candles and aphrodisiacal ambience. For all our grumbles, we seem unable to halt our fascination with the patron saint of lovers. But perhaps there’s another way to honour him.
I, too, have had my fair share of awkward Valentine’s experiences. There was the time when I cynically declared ‘oh because nothing says I love you like a stuffed animal holding a heart’, only to return home to find a demonstrative teddy, that had already been bought, being offered now in an apologetic manner. Or the year I rang to thank the person I thought had sent me a bouquet of roses, only to discover that the flowers weren’t from them. Whoops! However, I was raised in a household that celebrated Valentine’s Day as a day of love, detached from all the capitalist nonsense and regardless of one’s relationship status. My family and I would decorate the house just like at Christmas, exchange small but meaningful gifts and, most importantly, write letters to each other about why we mattered so. I did not think of Valentine’s Day as the heteronormative, exploitative festival it has arguably evolved into. To me, as a child, it was a day to celebrate those I loved and to feel their love in return, a day to make each other feel cherished.
Now, I appreciate the privilege of this and understand not everyone shares my experience and conception of either love or family. However, perhaps there is instruction here for reframing how we think of the day and, indeed, what we choose to do in love’s name. So much of our modern understanding of love has been reduced to its materiality, to the benefits it brings us, and to the performance we feel we must enact. And the pandemic has further challenged our idea of what it means to care; never has the impact of our actions on the body of another been made more apparent and, yet, so many seem to have left empathy at home when navigating the world according to their ‘own risk’. Relationships have been tested by forced proximity or separation, whilst touch has become a sacred, fearful thing. With our connection shrunk to the size of a screen, it seems to me that we are in dire need of a day dedicated to the other. A day in which we might foreground the needs of another in the knowledge that our own needs will be met in turn. Oh, to have such faith in one’s fellow human again!
One way I have tried to carry forth the spirit of my family’s tradition is to give to charity in a loved one’s name. Caritas, the ancient form of loving thy neighbour, is surely an excellent way of honouring St. Valentine. Perhaps, therefore, instead of buying into the love-hate relationship we have with Valentine’s Day, we could celebrate this day of devotion in the midst of an ongoing pandemic by showing others how much we care.
If your loved one has a particular cause they support, why not demonstrate how well you know them and how much you value their principles by donating to a charity close to their heart? If you’re a man in a heterosexual relationship, arguably nothing says ‘I respect you as a woman’ more than showing you care about women’s rights and safety. The pandemic has seen an increase in calls to the National Domestic Abuse Helpline by 61%. Women need men’s support in the fight against gender inequality more than ever, and to respect one woman should be to respect them all. Therefore, a donation to a women’s refuge service or domestic abuse charity might be a tangible way of honouring your sweetheart and putting your money towards dismantling the systems that continue to entrap women in the idea of ‘romance’. If your loved one faces additional, intersectional barriers to their freedom, you could consider donating to specialist services, such as Imkaan, LAWRS, Galop, DeafHope, or Stay Safe East.
If your adoration extends to the natural world and its creatures, why not donate to an environmental cause in the name of your beloved? The planet is quite clearly in need of tenderness and there are many ways to personalise a donation in this area. You could sponsor the planting of a piece of coral (visit Coral Gardeners) or sponsor a sea turtle with animal welfare business Fahlo that your loved one can track (via a cute bracelet) as it makes its way around the globe. What better way to acknowledge that your relationship with someone, romantic or otherwise, is part of something greater and needs to be nurtured as well as admired.
We are all aware that the world deserves more compassion, and that love shared is love multiplied not halved. There are, unfortunately, countless people in need of human kindness, whether that be the homeless community in your own city or the suffering peoples of Afghanistan. Minority groups continue to be persecuted and the pandemic has destroyed lives and livelihoods. If you are in a position to give this Valentine’s Day, even if there is no one special in your life and you simply want to express your love for your fellow human being, there are many organisations you can reach out to. You could even manifest the spirit of Valentine himself and give anonymously.
If you are not able to give financially, there are other ways to spread the love this Valentine’s Day. Pick up the phone and call an older relative who lives alone. Send a thoughtful message to someone you know is struggling. Smile at people in the street and wish them Happy Day of Saint Valentine! Despite a worrying trend towards indifference, the last two years have also witnessed enormous acts of generosity and self-sacrifice, these plague years punctuated by moments of kindness and empathy amidst the suffering. Love may have been harder to recognise but she has withstood it all, ready to fill the gaps between us, and we are bonded by her unconditional nature that can neither be lost nor earned.
The arguments made against Valentine’s Day, that love should be shown throughout the year and not reserved for one pre-formulated day, could equally apply here. However, I do not believe we should shun any opportunity to spread a little goodness and find meaning in the senselessness of modern life, even if it is limited to a 24-hour period. If you find value in celebrating your romance in traditional Valentine’s rituals, then please do not let me stop you. I, too, look fondly at the bear I once snubbed. And if you prefer to mark the occasion by doing everything in your power to avoid the hallmarks of the day, then likewise carry on. However, if you can find it in your heart to see next Monday as a day to embody your passions and commitment to justice, I don’t think anything will be lost and possibly quite a lot will be gained both for you and those with whom you share this lonely earth.
Amelia Underwood-King
In addition to her writing, Amelia is a singer-songwriter who believes in the power of creative practice to provoke change and using her voice (in more ways than one!) to champion causes. Her academic focus is feminist literary theory, whilst she has previously worked for women’s rights organisations in the UK and Brussels.