Woman Beats Attacker with Stanley Cup
by Merdian Payseno
Trigger warning for physical (not sexual) assault of a woman
The headline reads: Woman Beats Attacker with Stanley Cup.
The commenters say: Yes girl!
Crazy bitch!
This is why I never leave my house without my taser.
You’re walking around in booty shorts what do you expect?
Dani was walking home from the gym. It was not late. It was not dark. She was wearing shorts, biker ones that went to her knees, and an oversized t-shirt she’d gotten from a WeWork event that said creator, maker, disrupter, breaker. The Stanley Cup was actually an off-brand water bottle and if you looked closely, the imprint on the would-be attacker’s forehead actually read – Stanweee with three Es.
At first, Dani feels normal – life as usual. The story kills at a work dinner later in the week. Her colleagues toast her triumph. ‘You are such a badass!’ her manager says. He hopes his daughter grows up to be like her. Later in the evening, an accountant Dani’s never spoken to pulls her aside. She wants to make sure Dani is ok. She went through something similar at Dani’s age and ended up… well that’s not important. Dani assures her she’s fine but the accountant still looks worried. ‘It comes in waves,’ she says. ‘Better to face it now.’ The warning annoys Dani. Face what? Nothing even happened. If anything, she’s learned she can take care of herself. ‘Everything is ok,’ Dani assures her, and for a while it is.
Dani was always aware walking around. She’d been taught the same safety drills as all other women: no headphones, check your six, send your location to a friend, and so on. But now it’s increased to another level. Her heart races with every person who passes. And it isn’t just walking around. It’s the noise of the grocery store, the crowdedness of the train, and a million other things. She can’t remember if she turned off the stove or where her keys are and she bursts into tears when they run out of cinnamon rolls at the coffee shop. What the fuck?
Once, a professor asked Dani’s class how often they felt stress in the last year. The general consensus was daily. The professor went on to ask how often their lives were under threat in the last year. The general consensus was almost never – a few folks had been in a car accident or some such, but they were outliers. The exercise was meant to put the midterms into perspective. ‘Remember folks, stress is a killer. Don’t let the everyday minutia send you into fight or flight,’ the professor had said, and the class laughed. Dani thought of this episode as the cops took her statement. How do you know your life is in danger? Isn’t it in danger all the time? You could be walking home, in the middle of the day, happy you made it to the gym, and someone could grab you by the ponytail.
Cop one: You state that someone pulled your hair.
Cop two: And you retaliated by hitting them over the head with a heavy metal object.
Dani: It wasn’t a playful yank of the hair. I mean he grabbed the back of my head and put his arm around my neck. I was trying to get away.
Cop one: Do you smoke?
Cop two: Mr. Smith claims you were smoking and threw your cigarette at him.
Dani: No! I wasn’t smoking.
Cop one: Are you sure?
Cop two: We wouldn’t find any cigarettes in this apartment if we looked?
Dani: I probably have a pack somewhere from a night out.
Cop one: Do you have lots of ‘nights out’?
Cop two: Were you drinking when you had an altercation with Mr. Smith?
Dani: No.
Cop one: So you’re claiming self-defense?
Cop two: Was your life actually under threat? It’s important that you’re honest here.
A middle school reaches out. Could Dani talk to their girls about self-defense? Saturday Night Live does a sketch where a series of well-meaning men are beaten up by over-reactive women. One man is asking for a napkin in a restaurant. One man is running after a woman with a forgotten cellphone. The whole thing is a fake advertisement for a Stanley Cup with built-in stun gun and pepper spray. Stanley reaches out to do a collab. Dani’s lawyer says absolutely not. Dani has a lawyer now.
But she does do an interview with a sympathetic magazine, her lawyer beside her. When she arrives, she’s surprised by how young the writer is (barely out of college). Later, when the lawyer leaves, Dani and the writer have a couple of drinks. She learns that the writer is an (unpaid) intern with a notebook full of poetry. The writer reads her a verse: I miss the joy of solitude, though I’ve never known it. To be a silverfish in dark water, swimming beneath the moon's reflection. Never watching, never fearing.
Dani takes a cab home. This is her third cab today. She looks at her bank account. She tells herself she won’t take another cab this month. She tells herself cabs are just as dangerous as walking. She tells herself not to turn on the lights when she gets home. She tells herself she’s paranoid. She tells herself not to live in fear – she can’t give Mr. Smith that power.
The article comes out. Girls, Raise Your Stanley Cups to the Bad Ass of the Year! We talk with the lady herself about the punch heard around the world and what’s next for this diva. This is where Dani stops reading. What a waste of poet, she thinks as she Xs out of the story.
Did you know there are fake songs? Dani becomes obsessed with one of those background songs on a reality dating show. She can’t find the actual song because it’s not real, so she just watches the clip over and over: B roll of speeding traffic with a woman’s voice singing ‘I went low but you went lower’ to a snappy beat of snare drums. She lays on the floor with her legs up on the wall. Her lawyer says she has to find a way to manage the stress. Mr. Smith is pressing charges. Inhale. He’s also filed a civil suit against Dani to cover medical expenses. Exhale. She replays the clip. The woman sings. Dani has a client meeting tomorrow. Inhale. That means she’ll actually have to leave the house. Exhale.
Opinion piece: She did it for the brand, you guys! Stanley Cup girl is going to launch her self-defense TikTok any day now and you all are going to feel so stupid.
Opinion piece: How many more Stanley Cup girls have to happen before we face the immigration crisis?
Opinion piece: Did anyone look in that Stanley Cup? Because it probably wasn’t coffee she was drinking if you know what I mean.
Opinion piece: The way all of you are celebrating violence on this app is disgusting. Stanley Cup girl committed ASSAULT.
Opinion piece: We should all be like Stanley Cup girl! Protect yourself, women!
Opinion piece: Why are we teaching women to fight and not men to not assault? #stanleycupgirl
Work asks Dani to stay home and though they don’t say it, she knows the account she spent months getting to sign is no longer hers. She goes to her parents' house and watches reruns in borrowed pajamas. It’s been days or weeks or years but wait, it’s still July and this year will never end. None of this will ever end.
The hashtag #stanleycupgirl now has 3 million followers. Mr. Smith makes a post from his notes app: I just want my life to go back to normal. I didn’t attack that girl. I called after her because she threw a lit cigarette at me. Probably just in her own world but I was caught off guard and it was certainly no reason to attack me. As a gentleman I couldn’t even defend myself because I wouldn’t want to hurt a woman. I lost a week of work and the medical bills are piling up. I just want to provide for my family, If you want to support me please consider donating to my GoFundMe.
Now the question is whodunnit? Or rather – who started it? Mr. Smith or Stanley Cup girl? That’s what the amateur sleuths of the internet want to know. Careful recreations of the timeline are posted and dissected, weather and traffic reports are discussed. Dani is hounded for comment but even if her lawyer would let her speak she isn’t sure what happened anymore.
Dani’s best friend visits and brings the numbers of three local support groups. Dani imagines sitting in a room and hearing other people’s stories. She can’t. Plus nothing really happened. She got away. She did everything right.
Tonight on Dateline: Do you know what to do when the worst happens? Women, this episode could save your life! We recruited news anchors from across the country to participate in an undercover sting… or so they thought. Cut to dash cam footage: A woman explains over the phone that she will be late to meet the show producers because her car’s broken down. She hangs up and drums her fingers on the steering wheel waiting for help to arrive. A man appears asking if she’s ok. She says she’s fine. He waves goodbye but returns a minute later with a hammer and breaks her window. She escapes through the passenger side door screaming and covered in glass. Switch to an outside camera: She’s running down a dark alley in stockinged feet. He’s behind her, shortening the gap between them with every stride. He grabs her from behind and they tumble to the ground. She kicks and punches, begging him to let her go, she has kids, she’s late for work, people know she’s here. That’s when the crew steps out of the shadows, the host pulling the woman aside. She’s so happy they found her before she was killed. Then he explains that this was the sting, she was the target. They’re going to review the footage. An expert will tell her what she did right and wrong.
Dani’s mom tells her not to watch that stuff, it’s not good for her right now but she can’t turn it off. ‘Do you really think there’s a right thing to do when you’re attacked?’ She asks her mom. Her mom thinks for a minute. ‘People want to plan for everything, but the truth is, you don’t know until you know.’
Dani nuzzles into her mom’s shoulder as the episode rolls on. The next woman stays frozen in the driver’s seat and tells the assailant to do whatever he wants just don’t kill her. Another woman punches the assailant out cold. The producers save that one for the blooper reel.
‘Notice how it’s never a man being surprise-attacked,’ says her mom.
One of the internet sleuths tracks down security footage of the attack. Dani sees it while scrolling the hashtag she swore not to follow. She watches, vindicated as the tape supports her side of events. Mr. Smith follows HER. Grabs HER. She only reacts.
She runs into the kitchen to show her mom. Her mom watches, the color draining from her face – maybe she was expecting a cute cat video. She looks up at Dani and bursts into tears. Dani calls her best friend, mystified by her mom’s reaction. ‘It doesn’t seem like you realize that it’s you in the video,’ her friend says. ‘I know you’re relieved about the lawsuit but this video will be on the internet forever. Did you even see the second man in the car?’
The tape is grainy black and white: Dani is walking down the sidewalk – no cigarette in sight. Mr. Smith gets out of a parked car and follows her. He looks around, then grabs the back of her head and begins dragging her back to his car. Dani is all flailing limbs. She does get a few good hits in but the ultimate blow to the head Mr. Smith deals to himself while trying to get the cup away from her. A bus pulls up and some disembarking passengers notice the scene and detain Mr. Smith. In all the commotion, Mr. Smith’s getaway car drives away without him. There was someone else there the whole time.
Dani’s stomach turns. It’s really her in that video: the girl fighting for her life. The girl they were waiting for in their car. To take where? To do what? What scares her most is that another day, another moment, a different cup and she wouldn’t’ve been so… is lucky the right word? She staggers to the bathroom and retches into the sink. Her mom rushes in to ask what’s wrong but all Dani can say is ‘it’s actually me’ over and over again.
Life goes on: new job, new boyfriend. Dani eventually sees a therapist because her work offers online sessions through an app and so there’s really no excuse now. But she doesn’t bring up the attack for another six months and when she finally does she apologizes, which her therapist says isn’t necessary.
Dani: I don’t want to resist how this experience has changed me. At the same time, I don’t feel the urge to be an advocate or activist or share this story to help others and all that – and it seems like those are my only two choices.
Therapist: Choices for what?
Dani: For not letting him win.
Therapist: What’s the game?
Dani: I don’t know, life.
Therapist: It’s your life though, so I guess you would make the rules.
Getting better is boring. All the things people say: time, talking, more time. Mr. Smith drops the suit and takes a plea deal for turning in the second man. That helps. His GoFundMe is seized for back child support for his two estranged children. That really helps. Sometimes people reach out to Dani to share their stories or ask her advice or invite her to be a guest on their podcast. She directs them to her former lawyer who now works for a non-profit battling gender-based violence.
There’s no book deal or new purpose to her life. Danni finds peace is the resistance to packaging her story with a moral, meaning or brand. Peace in the image of herself as a silver fish swimming in a dark river – unwatchful, unafraid.
The magazine writer asks if she has any follow-up comments. Dani responds: Please write more poetry.
Image by Ivanov Vladimir for Pexels
Meridian Payseno (she/her) is a Berlin-based writer and performer dedicated to building artistic community through storytelling. Her writing interrogates the power structures in our everyday lives. If she’s not writing or on stage with STP Contemporary Theatre, she’s likely lost in a book or attempting to befriend her neighbor’s cat.